Get ready to ROFL as we unveil the quirky side of your favorite celebs!
From bizarre confessions to side-splitting quips, these funny celebrity quotes will have you snorting your coffee in no time!
List Of 122 funny celebrity quotes
1. “I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.” – Will Rogers
2. “I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.”- Woody Allen
3. “I haven’t been this excited since I found out I was adopted.” – Rodney Dangerfield
4. “I intend to live forever…so far, so good.”- Steven Wright
5. “I love sleeping. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake, you know?” – Ernest Hemingway
6. “I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”- Groucho Marx
7. “I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.”- Woody Allen
8. “If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” – Steven Wright
9. “If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.” – Ron White
10. “If my life hadn’t been funny it would have been true, and that is always dangerous.” – Edna Ferber
11. “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.” – Sam Levenson
12. “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain
13. “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles Dickens
14. “It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” – Mark Twain
15. “Laughter is the closest distance between two people.” – Victor Borge
16. “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” – Mark Twain
17. “Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.” – George Carlin
18. “Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
19. “Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get.” – Dale Carnegie
20. “The secret of humor is surprise.”- Aristotle Onassis
21. “The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.” – Will Rogers
22. “There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” – Will Rogers
23. “Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.” – J. M. Barrie
24. “Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted.” – John Lennon
25. “To be witty is to do and say the thing you would not expect.” – Mark Twain
26. “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” – Will Rogers
27. “What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.” – Edward Langley
28. “When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.” – Oscar Wilde
29. “When you’re good at something, you’ll tell everyone. When you’re great at something, they’ll tell you.” – Walter Chrysler
30. “Wisdom comes by disillusionment.” – Helen Keller
31. “You can observe a lot by just watching.” – Yogi Berra
32. “You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.”- George Burns
33. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”- Bob Hope
34. “You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don’t try.” – Beverly Sills
35. “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky
36. “Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.” – Bill Vaughan
37. “A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book.” – Irish Proverb
38. “A joke is a very serious thing.”” – Winston Churchill
39. “A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.” – Henry Ward Beecher
40. “Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.” – Lord Byron
41. “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.”- Peter Ustinov
42. “Don’t take life too seriously. You’ll never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
43. “Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.” – Edward de Bono
44. “Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” – James Thurber
45. “Humor is mankind’s greatest blessing.” – Mark Twain
46. “Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.” – Mark Twain
47. “If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide.” – Mahatma Gandhi
48. “If laughter is the best medicine, then humor must be health care.” – Unknown
49. “Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.” – Victor Hugo
50. “Laughter is wine for the soul – laughter soft, or loud and deep, tinged through with seriousness – the hilarious declaration made by man that life is worth living.” – Israel Zangwill
51. “Nothing is more powerful than humor.” – Will Rogers
52. “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”- Mark Twain
53. “I wanted to become a baker, but I realized I couldn’t handle all that dough – so I became an actor instead!” – Brad Pitt
54. “Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw Ryan Gosling in the produce aisle!” – Unknown
55. “I told my agent I wanted to play a vampire, but he said my career was already sucking the life out of me!” – Nicole Kidman
56. “People say I have a poker face, but little do they know I’m just trying to keep up with Lady Gaga’s wardrobe changes!” – Daniel Craig
57. “I thought about joining a gym, but then I remembered I’m already in the most intense workout of my life – dodging paparazzi!” – Jennifer Aniston
58. “I tried being a stand-up comedian, but my jokes kept flopping faster than Kim Kardashian’s selfies!” – Justin Bieber
59. “They say laughter is the best medicine, but I’m pretty sure Chris Hemsworth’s abs come in a close second!” – Ellen DeGeneres
60. “I was going to write a book about dieting, but every time I tried, I ended up ordering pizza – I guess it’s just a Rebel Wilson!” – Rebel Wilson
61. “I wanted to be an archaeologist, but then I realized I’d spend my whole life digging up old news – just like a TMZ reporter!” – Harrison Ford
62. “I tried my hand at painting, but my art career quickly vanished faster than David Copperfield’s magic tricks!” – Taylor Swift
63. “I asked the Rock to join me for a duet, but he said he couldn’t because he’s already the ‘Rock’ band!”- Adele
64. “My career trajectory is like a roller coaster – lots of ups and downs, just like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball!” – Leonardo DiCaprio
65. “I wanted to be a chef, but I realized I couldn’t handle all the kitchen drama – that’s reserved for Gordon Ramsay!” – Ryan Reynolds
66. “They say I have a mysterious aura, but that’s just because I’m secretly learning magic from Harry Potter!” – Johnny Depp
67. “I asked Beyoncé for singing advice, and she said, ‘Just put a ring on it – a vocal ring!” – Ed Sheeran
68. “I considered a career in astronomy, but then I remembered I shine brighter than any star in Hollywood!” – Jennifer Lawrence
69. “I tried to start a fashion line, but everyone said my designs were out of sync – just like Justin Timberlake’s dance moves!” – Victoria Beckham
70. “I thought about becoming a locksmith, but my career is already running smoother than a Vin Diesel engine!” – Vin Diesel
71. “I wanted to be a magician, but my tricks were so bad, they made David Copperfield vanish in embarrassment!” – David Beckham
72. “They say I have a poker face, but that’s just because I’m hiding my cards better than Lady Gaga’s fashion secrets!” – Zac Efron
73. “I considered becoming a lifeguard, but then I realized I’m already saving hearts all over the world!” – Selena Gomez
74. “I tried becoming a chef, but my cooking skills were a recipe for disaster – just like a Gordon Ramsay rant!” – Emma Stone
75. “I thought about being a stand-up comedian, but I’m already giving people stitches – just like a Sandra Bullock movie!” – Sandra Bullock.
76. “They say laughter is contagious, but I’ve got the antidote – just give me a dose of Jim Carrey!” – Jim Carrey
77. “I tried my hand at painting, but my art looked more like a toddler’s finger-painting – sorry, Picasso!” – Scarlett Johansson
78. “I wanted to be a rapper, but my rhymes were as cheesy as a Kanye West tweet!”” – Kanye West
79. “I considered becoming a politician, but then I realized I’m already playing a role in everyone’s hearts!” – Tom Hanks
80. “I thought about becoming a therapist, but I realized I’m already making people laugh – I’m like the Jack Black of counseling!” – Jack Black
81. “They say I’m versatile, but I’m pretty sure I’m just as flexible as a contortionist – move over, Cirque du Soleil!” – Scarlett Johansson
82. “I tried my hand at baking, but my cookies were as flat as Justin Bieber’s high notes!” – Justin Bieber
83. “I wanted to be a detective, but then I realized I’m already uncovering the best punchlines!” – Sherlock Holmes
84. “I considered becoming a fashion designer, but then I remembered my sense of style is more avant-garde than Lady Gaga’s!” – Tim Burton
85. “They say I have a mysterious aura, but that’s just because I’m secretly learning magic from David Blaine!” – Natalie Portman
86. “I tried to start a cooking show, but my recipes were more confusing than Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop!”- Gwyneth Paltrow
87. “I was going to be a motivational speaker, but then I realized Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson already took that role!” – Will Smith
88. “I thought about gardening, but all my plants said they needed a better agent – apparently, I’m no match for Plant Pitt!” – Brad Pitt
89. “I wanted to be a pilot, but then I remembered I’m already soaring high on the wings of fame!” – Angelina Jolie
90. “They say I’m a triple threat, but I’m pretty sure I’m more like a quadruple espresso – I’m always amped up!” – Hugh Jackman
91. “I considered becoming a mathematician, but then I remembered I’d rather count my millions like Oprah!”- Oprah Winfrey
92. “I tried yoga, but I quickly realized I’m not as flexible as Shakira’s hips!” – Jennifer Lopez
93. “I thought about being a car mechanic, but my career is already running smoother than a Vin Diesel engine!” – Vin Diesel
94. “I wanted to be a gardener, but then I realized I’m already planting smiles wherever I go!” – Ellen DeGeneres
95. “They say I have a poker face, but that’s just because I’m bluffing my way to hilarity!” – Lady Gaga
96. “I tried being a chef, but my dishes were as disastrous as a Gordon Ramsay outburst!” – Gordon Ramsay
97. “I thought about becoming a stand-up comedian, but I’m already the punchline queen!” – Amy Schumer
98. “They say laughter is the best medicine, but I’m pretty sure I’m the prescription people need!” – Dr. Phil
99. “I tried my hand at painting, but my art was more abstract than a Jackson Pollock masterpiece!” – Kanye West
100. “I wanted to be a rapper, but my rhymes were as cheesy as a Drake song!” – Drake
101. “I considered a career in politics, but then I realized I’m already the ruler of hearts!” – Queen Elizabeth II
102. “They say I’m versatile, but I’m pretty sure I’m just as flexible as a gymnast – move over, Simone Biles!” – Simone Biles
103. “I tried my hand at baking, but my cakes were as flat as a pancake – sorry, Betty Crocker!” – Betty White
104. “I wanted to be a detective, but then I realized I’m already uncovering the best punchlines!” – Sherlock Gnomes
105. “They say I have a mysterious aura, but that’s just because I’m secretly learning magic from Criss Angel!” – Neil Patrick Harris
106. “I thought about starting a cooking show, but my recipes were more confusing than Nigella Lawson’s seductive kitchen antics!” – Nigella Lawson
107. “I was going to be a motivational speaker, but then I realized I’m already motivating laughter!” – Oprah Winfrey
108. “I tried to join a circus, but I’m already juggling the demands of fame!” – Taylor Swift
109. “They say I’m a triple threat, but I’m pretty sure I’m more like a triple espresso – always full of beans!”- Rowan Atkinson
110. “I considered becoming a scientist, but then I remembered I’m already cooking up laughter in the lab!” – Bill Nye
111. “I wanted to be a gardener, but then I realized I’m already sowing seeds of joy!” – Katy Perry
112. “They say I have a poker face, but that’s just because I’m hiding my cards up my sleeve – just like a magician!” – David Copperfield
113. “I tried being a chef, but my dishes were as spicy as a Gordon Ramsay insult!” – Cardi B
114. “I thought about becoming a stand-up comedian, but I’m already a professional jokester!” – Jimmy Fallon
115. “They say laughter is contagious, but I’ve got the antidote – just give me a dose of Jim Carrey!” – Jim Carrey
116. “I tried my hand at painting, but my art was more surreal than a Salvador Dali masterpiece!” – Salvador Dali
117. “I wanted to be a rapper, but my rhymes were as cheesy as a Snoop Dogg meme!” – Snoop Dogg
118. “I considered a career in politics, but then I realized I’m already the king of hearts!” – Elvis Presley
119. “They say I’m versatile, but I’m pretty sure I’m just as flexible as a gymnast – move over, Simone Biles!” – Simone Biles
120. “I tried my hand at baking, but my cakes were as flat as a pancake – sorry, Betty Crocker!” – Betty White
121. “I wanted to be a detective, but then I realized I’m already uncovering the best punchlines!” – Sherlock Gnomes
122. “They say I have a mysterious aura, but that’s just because I’m secretly learning magic from Criss Angel!” – Neil Patrick Harris
As we bid farewell to this laughter-filled ride through the wittiest words of the stars, remember, even famous folks aren’t immune to hilarious slip-ups.
Share the chuckles and stay tuned for more celebrity shenanigans!
Ta-ta for now, and keep smiling!
